CenturyLink Field / Lumen Field panorama. (Photo by kallerna, via Wikimedia) (1)
As the summer slowly gives way to autumn, the days grow shorter, and the darkness of night claims its victory; it can only mean one thing. It’s time for me to lock myself away in a dark room with my divining rods, crystal balls, and hydroxychloroquine as I channel my inner Johnny Smith. That’s right, I’m making my Seattle Seahawks game-by-game predictions.
You can be sure of the accuracy. I had to quadruple-check my final predictions because I kept getting 17 games. That was before I realized there ARE 17 games this year. Player safety first, isn’t that right, Commissioner Godell?
Week 1’s opponents are the Colts of Indianapolis, who will be led by either injury enthusiast Carson Wentz or Lake Steven’s own Jacob Eason. Eason somehow managed to disappoint Washington twice while in college (once by spurning UW for Georiga, then by coming to UW and not being very good), so I figure he owes Washingtonians one.
Either way, this game will be a sloppy one, with the Colts trying to throw interceptions but the Seahawks’ inadequate corners watching picks bounce off their hands. In the end, Seattle prevails and starts the season 1-0.
Week 2 will bring Tennessee in a boring ball control game. Chris Carson will spike himself and begin a six-week off again-on again odyssey, as per usual. The Titans win, setting up a Week 3 game against the Vikings.
I prefer the Minnesota game to be a national one, ensuring Kirk Cousins would firmly wrap both hands around his neck the entire game. Alas, this is just a normal Sunday matchup, and the Hawks will win even without Cousin’s falling apart in real-time.
The 2-1 Seahawks will find themselves facing the 2-1 Niners in Santa Clara. Jimmy G should still be at the helm for Kyle Shannahan’s crew which is great news for Seattle and perplexing to the 49ers faithful.
The Hawks move to 3-1 as Levi Stadium fills with chants for either Trey Lance or even Jim Druckenmiller…anyone but handsome Jimmy. A victory over the incredibly overrated Rams on a Thursday night (PLAYER SAFETY!!!) leaves the Hawks at 4-1 at the kinda-sorta quarter mark.
The next three games offer some combination of Ben Roethlisberger and his walker, Jameis Winston eating W’s, Taysom Hill pretending to be a QB, Dwayne Haskins (the jokes write themselves), and finally Kelly Leak and the Jags. Needless to say, Seattle will find themselves at 7-1 before reality sets in.
Pete Carroll’s crew will drop the next two to Green Bay and Arizona. Green Bay wins because Seattle cornerbacks DJ Reed and Tre Flowers couldn’t cover Green Bay’s receivers even if they could use tasers and concrete barriers, Arizona will win because somehow Seattle always hands them a stupid victory every season. It’s maddening.
The defending NFC East champs come to town and face the Emerald City’s 7-3 team. They make sure the Seahawks’ losing streak stops there. If you play in Saskatchewan, Ryan Fitzpatrick is fine as your starter. Yet somehow, there is enough “Fitzmagic for WFT will win their division again this year.
Here’s a little-known fact: The WFT was going to go with WPFT as their name, but the league was kinda “eh” about Professional being in the title. Anyway…
The 8-3 Seahawks will drop their following game at home to San Francisco and split their next two with Houston and the Rams. Most of you assume they will beat Houston and lose to L.A., but being the Seahawks, there is a non-zero chance they flip that script and keep the home-field advantage they worked so hard to establish all season.
From there, I see the Seahawks closing strong by winning their last three games. The first is against Detroit. If Jared Goff thought it was tough in L.A., he hasn’t seen anything yet. Motor City’s team runs on tainted gas. Next comes Chicago, who may or may not keep Andy Dalton as their quarterback. Why? Because they are the Bears.
The final win of the trio comes against Arizona. By then, an injured Kyler Murray watches from the sidelines, and Kliff Kingsbury is “Kanned.” That makes the Seattle Seahawks record 12-5.
I accidentally tipped over a candle and set my copy of the Necronomicon ablaze before I could predict every NFL game, so tiebreakers are beyond my scope. Seattle and San Francisco will both finish at 12-5. The Rams will also be a playoff team at 10-7.
How will the playoffs work out for the Seahawks? My powers of foresight don’t go that far into the future. In other words, anything can (and probably will) happen. Just don’t write off Seattle. Defense wins championships and they have the potential to be one of the best.
If you’re smart, you’ll head to the Caesars Sports Book and use this article like Biff Tannen used his sports almanac. If not, why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here?
How do you think the Seattle Seahawks season will play out? Let us know in the comments section below or on social media.