My crystal ball says the Seattle Seahwaks 2021 record will be…
Anyone can predict Chris Carson getting a nagging injury or the Seattle Seahawks blowing a game to Arizona. But knowing the outcome of every game? Only the truly gifted can do that….so join me as I give you the results of every game this season..all 17(?!) of them.
As the summer slowly gives way to autumn, the days grow shorter, and the darkness of night claims its victory; it can only mean one thing. It’s time for me to lock myself away in a dark room with my divining rods, crystal balls, and hydroxychloroquine as I channel my inner Johnny Smith. That’s right, I’m making my Seattle Seahawks game-by-game predictions.
You can be sure of the accuracy. I had to quadruple-check my final predictions because I kept getting 17 games. That was before I realized there ARE 17 games this year. Player safety first, isn’t that right, Commissioner Godell?
Hot Start
Week 1’s opponents are the Colts of Indianapolis, who will be led by either injury enthusiast Carson Wentz or Lake Steven’s own Jacob Eason. Eason somehow managed to disappoint Washington twice while in college (once by spurning UW for Georiga, then by coming to UW and not being very good), so I figure he owes Washingtonians one.
Either way, this game will be a sloppy one, with the Colts trying to throw interceptions but the Seahawks’ inadequate corners watching picks bounce off their hands. In the end, Seattle prevails and starts the season 1-0.
Week 2 will bring Tennessee in a boring ball control game. Chris Carson will spike himself and begin a six-week off again-on again odyssey, as per usual. The Titans win, setting up a Week 3 game against the Vikings.
I prefer the Minnesota game to be a national one, ensuring Kirk Cousins would firmly wrap both hands around his neck the entire game. Alas, this is just a normal Sunday matchup, and the Hawks will win even without Cousin’s falling apart in real-time.
The 2-1 Seahawks will find themselves facing the 2-1 Niners in Santa Clara. Jimmy G should still be at the helm for Kyle Shannahan’s crew which is great news for Seattle and perplexing to the 49ers faithful.
The Hawks move to 3-1 as Levi Stadium fills with chants for either Trey Lance or even Jim Druckenmiller…anyone but handsome Jimmy. A victory over the incredibly overrated Rams on a Thursday night (PLAYER SAFETY!!!) leaves the Hawks at 4-1 at the kinda-sorta quarter mark.
The next three games offer some combination of Ben Roethlisberger and his walker, Jameis Winston eating W’s, Taysom Hill pretending to be a QB, Dwayne Haskins (the jokes write themselves), and finally Kelly Leak and the Jags. Needless to say, Seattle will find themselves at 7-1 before reality sets in.